Death On The Metra This Morning - Just Had to Write Something
This may seem a little longer, but trust me, take the time to read this, you will be glad you did. It's a phenominal trip into a mans mind who witnessed some one jump....Thanks Fin, for sharing.....and caring.
Death On The Metra This Morning - Just Had to Write Something
by Fin ****** on Friday, September 24, 2010 at 11:07am. Fin ***** is feelin a bit... Odd today and I`m not sure why. - September 24, 2010 5:45AM
That was my Facebook status this morning as I was getting ready for work.
It's the day before my big milestone birthday. I'll be turning 40 tomorrow. I felt odd this morning but I couldn't explain why. For some unexplainable reason I felt like I was going to die today. Oddly, I felt as if I were going to be killed by a train. But after reading some humorous comments from Chris and from Joe to my status I thought, Na... you're just thinking crazy because you're getting old. So I brushed off the feeling and continued getting dressed.
During my drive to the Barrington train station I kept thinking of how different my life was from what I wanted it to be back when I was so very young. I looked around at the blue digital display of my Honda Civic's dashboard and for a moment it transformed into the amber analog display of a BMW 3 series. The hallucination wore off and I was once again staring at the blue digital display of my Civic. I sighed as I tried to accept that all this was just the wishful thinking of a middle-aged shadow of a person who once dreamt of doing bigger and greater things. I wanted so much back then; now, all I could hope for is for people to think good of me when my day comes.
I arrived at the parking lot of the train station. Parking space 608 was the spot where my trusty Civic would await my return from work. I had stopped at a Dunkin Donuts on the way to the station and bought an extra large coffee to be my friend; my compadre on my way into downtown. Coffee alway seemed to cheer me up and gave me a reason to keep going. As silly as it sounds, coffee made me feel important - not sure why.
I got out of my car and put the huge-normous cup of friendship atop my car's roof so I could free my hands to grab my laptop messenger bag and my lunch bag out from the back seat. As I placed the straps of each bag criss-crossed over each of my shoulders I remembered how I used to think that I'd be some sort of hotshot someday and have power lunches. I didn't think I'd be power lifting my lunch everyday over my shoulders in a golf bag impersonating a lunch bag.
I grabbed my bucket of coffee and started towards the train platform to pay for spot 608. It was raining; I didn't have an umbrella and I was soaking wet. By this time I really couldn't careless. I looked on the outside the way I felt inside. I paid my parking fee and tried to find a spot on the platform. I often tried to guess where the doors of the train would be when the train stopped. It was sort of like a game I played every morning - How close can Fin get to guessing where the train door is going to be. It was a great distraction for me and besides I don't think I'm the only player in that game. So I picked my spot on the "roulette table".
I stood there, in the rain.
"An inbound train to Chicago is now arriving" An automated voice announced over the platform speakers.
I kept staring at the tracks in front of me; all the while thinking to myself, It's not that bad Fin... You're just turning 40... It's just another number. Randomly, my thoughts switched, I bet that would freaking hurt. As I remembered my thoughts from earlier this morning. The thought even made me glance down to make sure I was standing safely behind the yellow line. Then it happened.
The man standing to the left of me said in a panick, "Oh! Oh no! Oh shit!" I caught a glimpse of him suddenly jumping from out of the corner of my eye. Simultaneously, as the man was coming to a landing I hear a loud bang to my right. I looked up to my left to first check if the man to my left was alright and the look on his face was one of utter disgust as he was staring in horror past me. I quickly turned my head to my right to see what he was gawking at.
I saw a rag doll. It bounced off the front right corner of the train that was pulling into the station. It was struck again and flew around the corner of the train and swung around the right side of the train. As the train came to a slow stop my brain started telling me, Fin... that wasn't a freaking rag doll.
Someone screamed!!! Then people closer to where the impact occurred began scrambling. An older man with an umbrella began telling every one to stand back. "Call 911!" He ordered. Everyone whipped out their cell phones. I began to run towards the train to confirm that my brain wasn't playing tricks on me. Then... there she was, lying there.
By peering down beneath the train I saw her lying on the right side of the train. She was an older woman. Her belly was pumping up and down as her diaphragm was trying desperately to pump air through her limp body. The man who took charge yelled for everyone to get into the station's building and so I lumbered into the building - doing was I was told. I've always been good at doing what I was told.
Upon entering the building, I heard crying. I scanned the room to find who it was but there were multiple people in tears. A woman standing closest to me was sobbingly saying, "I saw it! I saw it! I saw it!" I saw the man who was standing next to me on the platform - the one who first alerted me to what was going on. He held his cellphone in front of him but he was staring off into space. I approached him and asked, "Are... are you alright? You saw it.." He nodded, "Yes... Yeah.. I'm alright." And then he began to place his call. I walked over to the woman who was sobbing and asked her if she was alright. She looked up at me with tear filled eyes; her hands rubbing her temples, "Yes... I think I'll be ok..." Then she choked up as she finished, "... My nephew... He died the same way some time back."
Fin ***** I just saw somebody jump in front of the train here at the Barrington stop. Why do people do that??? :( - September 24, 2010 7:36AM
For a while I just stood around listening to what others who were standing closer to the lady were saying.
"She was just standing here next to the building..."
"She put her umbrella down right here next to the building and then walked towards the tracks and jumped."
"She just jumped"
I called my employer to tell them what had happened and told them I'd try to make it in today. My boss told me that if I need to take the day off that I should. However, if I decided to come in she would give me a number I could call to talk to a counselor. I decided almost an hour later that I'd go home. I just couldn't focus today. I couldn't snap out of it.
Then a moment of clarity. As I stood there on the platform watching the emergency workers taking care of the situation a man came up to me and asked, "Do you know if this is going to be an extended delay?" My mind couldn't comprehend what he was asking. "I... I guess..." I responded uncertain about whether or not I needed to respond. I heard people asking the conductor of the train which hit the woman, "Is this train still going to make all stops? Is this the next train into Chicago?"
Just like that. The woman was gone - taken by the paramedics. I asked around to see if anyone knew if she died or not. Nobody knew. I heard some laughs coming from some guys talking about a wig which the woman was wearing. It was laying on the spot where her body came to rest after being tossed in the air. It seemed to turn into an atmosphere of "Let's back to business people!"
The moment of clarity? If you don't give a shit about yourself... Then what makes you think anybody is going to give a shit about you?
Everybody goes through shit. People live with disappointments. We all fuck-up at some point - several points in our lives. I know that sometimes it gets to the point where people just think, "I wish it were all over." I've known people who've lost their jobs; lost a loved one; lost their homes; have major health issues; found their spouse cheating on them or they were caught cheating on their spouse; never became what they always hoped they'd be; feel like life is going nowhere etc. etc. They all feel bad about these things. But you know what? Ending all only leads to one summarized question.... "Do you know if this is going to be an extended delay?"
People move on - they move on quick!
I guess I'm mostly writing to get this all out of my head so this won't linger in there all day. If I don't write all this down it will bother me all day.
The bottom line here I think is that people have to get past their shit and not run away from them. The way to do that is to let go of the crap in your life that's keeping you in this "bad place" in your mind, hearts and spirit. Holding on to what was or what could have been is useless. Seeing what is, is the important thing.
There was a story of a Tribe of Indians who had a very wise chief. Everyone admired him for his bravery and his wisdom. Nothing ever seemed to phase him. Wanting to be a great chief someday his son had the following dialog with his father - the chief.
"Father... You are a brave and wise man. Nothing seems to frighten you or steer you from doing right by your people."
"Son... your father has a battle going on within him every day; every moment."
"What kind of battle father?"
"There are two wolves living within your father - within everyone. One of the wolves' strength comes from hatred, deception, pride, boastfulness, love for status and power over others. The other wolves' strength comes from love, integrity, selflessness, compassion and kindness towards others."
After saying this to his son the chief stood silently.
"Father... Which wolf will win?"
The chief put his hand on his son's shoulder; looked him directly in the eyes and said.
"The one you feed."
We are more in control of our lives than we think we are. I hope nobody I know ever gets to the point where they feel hopeless. But if someday you find yourself standing on that ledge... Please... PLEASE! Think about feeding the other wolf for a change.
Death On The Metra This Morning - Just Had to Write Something
by Fin ****** on Friday, September 24, 2010 at 11:07am. Fin ***** is feelin a bit... Odd today and I`m not sure why. - September 24, 2010 5:45AM
That was my Facebook status this morning as I was getting ready for work.
It's the day before my big milestone birthday. I'll be turning 40 tomorrow. I felt odd this morning but I couldn't explain why. For some unexplainable reason I felt like I was going to die today. Oddly, I felt as if I were going to be killed by a train. But after reading some humorous comments from Chris and from Joe to my status I thought, Na... you're just thinking crazy because you're getting old. So I brushed off the feeling and continued getting dressed.
During my drive to the Barrington train station I kept thinking of how different my life was from what I wanted it to be back when I was so very young. I looked around at the blue digital display of my Honda Civic's dashboard and for a moment it transformed into the amber analog display of a BMW 3 series. The hallucination wore off and I was once again staring at the blue digital display of my Civic. I sighed as I tried to accept that all this was just the wishful thinking of a middle-aged shadow of a person who once dreamt of doing bigger and greater things. I wanted so much back then; now, all I could hope for is for people to think good of me when my day comes.
I arrived at the parking lot of the train station. Parking space 608 was the spot where my trusty Civic would await my return from work. I had stopped at a Dunkin Donuts on the way to the station and bought an extra large coffee to be my friend; my compadre on my way into downtown. Coffee alway seemed to cheer me up and gave me a reason to keep going. As silly as it sounds, coffee made me feel important - not sure why.
I got out of my car and put the huge-normous cup of friendship atop my car's roof so I could free my hands to grab my laptop messenger bag and my lunch bag out from the back seat. As I placed the straps of each bag criss-crossed over each of my shoulders I remembered how I used to think that I'd be some sort of hotshot someday and have power lunches. I didn't think I'd be power lifting my lunch everyday over my shoulders in a golf bag impersonating a lunch bag.
I grabbed my bucket of coffee and started towards the train platform to pay for spot 608. It was raining; I didn't have an umbrella and I was soaking wet. By this time I really couldn't careless. I looked on the outside the way I felt inside. I paid my parking fee and tried to find a spot on the platform. I often tried to guess where the doors of the train would be when the train stopped. It was sort of like a game I played every morning - How close can Fin get to guessing where the train door is going to be. It was a great distraction for me and besides I don't think I'm the only player in that game. So I picked my spot on the "roulette table".
I stood there, in the rain.
"An inbound train to Chicago is now arriving" An automated voice announced over the platform speakers.
I kept staring at the tracks in front of me; all the while thinking to myself, It's not that bad Fin... You're just turning 40... It's just another number. Randomly, my thoughts switched, I bet that would freaking hurt. As I remembered my thoughts from earlier this morning. The thought even made me glance down to make sure I was standing safely behind the yellow line. Then it happened.
The man standing to the left of me said in a panick, "Oh! Oh no! Oh shit!" I caught a glimpse of him suddenly jumping from out of the corner of my eye. Simultaneously, as the man was coming to a landing I hear a loud bang to my right. I looked up to my left to first check if the man to my left was alright and the look on his face was one of utter disgust as he was staring in horror past me. I quickly turned my head to my right to see what he was gawking at.
I saw a rag doll. It bounced off the front right corner of the train that was pulling into the station. It was struck again and flew around the corner of the train and swung around the right side of the train. As the train came to a slow stop my brain started telling me, Fin... that wasn't a freaking rag doll.
Someone screamed!!! Then people closer to where the impact occurred began scrambling. An older man with an umbrella began telling every one to stand back. "Call 911!" He ordered. Everyone whipped out their cell phones. I began to run towards the train to confirm that my brain wasn't playing tricks on me. Then... there she was, lying there.
By peering down beneath the train I saw her lying on the right side of the train. She was an older woman. Her belly was pumping up and down as her diaphragm was trying desperately to pump air through her limp body. The man who took charge yelled for everyone to get into the station's building and so I lumbered into the building - doing was I was told. I've always been good at doing what I was told.
Upon entering the building, I heard crying. I scanned the room to find who it was but there were multiple people in tears. A woman standing closest to me was sobbingly saying, "I saw it! I saw it! I saw it!" I saw the man who was standing next to me on the platform - the one who first alerted me to what was going on. He held his cellphone in front of him but he was staring off into space. I approached him and asked, "Are... are you alright? You saw it.." He nodded, "Yes... Yeah.. I'm alright." And then he began to place his call. I walked over to the woman who was sobbing and asked her if she was alright. She looked up at me with tear filled eyes; her hands rubbing her temples, "Yes... I think I'll be ok..." Then she choked up as she finished, "... My nephew... He died the same way some time back."
Fin ***** I just saw somebody jump in front of the train here at the Barrington stop. Why do people do that??? :( - September 24, 2010 7:36AM
For a while I just stood around listening to what others who were standing closer to the lady were saying.
"She was just standing here next to the building..."
"She put her umbrella down right here next to the building and then walked towards the tracks and jumped."
"She just jumped"
I called my employer to tell them what had happened and told them I'd try to make it in today. My boss told me that if I need to take the day off that I should. However, if I decided to come in she would give me a number I could call to talk to a counselor. I decided almost an hour later that I'd go home. I just couldn't focus today. I couldn't snap out of it.
Then a moment of clarity. As I stood there on the platform watching the emergency workers taking care of the situation a man came up to me and asked, "Do you know if this is going to be an extended delay?" My mind couldn't comprehend what he was asking. "I... I guess..." I responded uncertain about whether or not I needed to respond. I heard people asking the conductor of the train which hit the woman, "Is this train still going to make all stops? Is this the next train into Chicago?"
Just like that. The woman was gone - taken by the paramedics. I asked around to see if anyone knew if she died or not. Nobody knew. I heard some laughs coming from some guys talking about a wig which the woman was wearing. It was laying on the spot where her body came to rest after being tossed in the air. It seemed to turn into an atmosphere of "Let's back to business people!"
The moment of clarity? If you don't give a shit about yourself... Then what makes you think anybody is going to give a shit about you?
Everybody goes through shit. People live with disappointments. We all fuck-up at some point - several points in our lives. I know that sometimes it gets to the point where people just think, "I wish it were all over." I've known people who've lost their jobs; lost a loved one; lost their homes; have major health issues; found their spouse cheating on them or they were caught cheating on their spouse; never became what they always hoped they'd be; feel like life is going nowhere etc. etc. They all feel bad about these things. But you know what? Ending all only leads to one summarized question.... "Do you know if this is going to be an extended delay?"
People move on - they move on quick!
I guess I'm mostly writing to get this all out of my head so this won't linger in there all day. If I don't write all this down it will bother me all day.
The bottom line here I think is that people have to get past their shit and not run away from them. The way to do that is to let go of the crap in your life that's keeping you in this "bad place" in your mind, hearts and spirit. Holding on to what was or what could have been is useless. Seeing what is, is the important thing.
There was a story of a Tribe of Indians who had a very wise chief. Everyone admired him for his bravery and his wisdom. Nothing ever seemed to phase him. Wanting to be a great chief someday his son had the following dialog with his father - the chief.
"Father... You are a brave and wise man. Nothing seems to frighten you or steer you from doing right by your people."
"Son... your father has a battle going on within him every day; every moment."
"What kind of battle father?"
"There are two wolves living within your father - within everyone. One of the wolves' strength comes from hatred, deception, pride, boastfulness, love for status and power over others. The other wolves' strength comes from love, integrity, selflessness, compassion and kindness towards others."
After saying this to his son the chief stood silently.
"Father... Which wolf will win?"
The chief put his hand on his son's shoulder; looked him directly in the eyes and said.
"The one you feed."
We are more in control of our lives than we think we are. I hope nobody I know ever gets to the point where they feel hopeless. But if someday you find yourself standing on that ledge... Please... PLEASE! Think about feeding the other wolf for a change.
Wow! I can't even imagine seeing something like this. I always wonder what makes life so bad that people just don't want to live anymore. Like Fin, I also dreamt of so many things when I was growing up. But these days, I just want to live a good life and hope people remember me for being a good person.
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